6 On Conversations in Trains
I might have added in this list I have just made of the advantages of railways，that railways let one mix with one's fellow-men and hear their continual conversation. Now，if you will think of it，railways are the only institutions that give us that advantage. In other places we avoid all save those who resemble us，and many men become in middle-age like cabinet ministers，quite ignorant of their fellow-citizens. But in trains，if one travels much，one hears every kind of man talking to every other，and one perceives all England.
It is on this account that I have always been at pains to note what I heard in this way，especially the least expected，most startling，and therefore most revealing dialogues，and as soon as I could to write them down，for in this way one can grow to know men.
Thus I have somewhere preserved a hot discussion among some miners in Derbyshire （voters，good people，voters，remember）
whether the United States were bound to us as a colony “like Egypt”. And I once heard also a debate as to whether the word were Horǐzon or Horīzon；this ended in a fight，and the Horǐzon man pushed the Horīzon man out at Skipton，and wouldn't let him get into the carriage again.
Then，again，I once heard two frightfully rich men near Birmingham arguing why England was the richest and the Happiest Country in the world. Neither of these men was a gentleman，but they argued politely though firmly，for they differed profoundly. One of them，who was almost too rich to walk，said it was because we minded our own affairs，and respected property and were law-abiding. This （he said）was the cause of our prosperity and of the futile envy with which foreigners regarded the homes of our working men. Not so the other：he thought that it was the Plain English sense of Duty that did the trick；he showed how this was ingrained in us and appeared in our Schoolboys and our Police：he contrasted it with Ireland，and he asked what else had made our Criminal Trials the model of the world？All this also I wrote down.
Then also once on a long ride （yes，“ride”. Why not？） through Lincolnshire I heard two men of the smaller commercial or salaried kind at issue. The first，who had a rather peevish face，was looking gloomily out of the window and was saying，“Denmark has it：Greece has it — why shouldn't we have it？Eh？America has it and so has Germany — why shouldn't we have it？”Then，after a pause，he added，“Even France has it — why haven't we got it？” He spoke as though he wouldn't stand it much longer，and as though France were the last straw.
The other man was excitable and had an enormous newspaper in his hand，and he answered in a high voice，“'Cause we're too sensible，that's why！'Cause we know what we're about we do.”
The other man said，“Ho！Do we？”
The second man answered，“Yes；we do. What made England？”
“Gord，” said the first man.
This brought the second man up all standing and nearly carried away his fore-bob-stay. He answered slowly：
“Well ... yes ... in a manner of speaking. But what I meant to say was like this，that what made England was Free Trade！” Here he slapped one hand on to the other with a noise like that of a pistol，and added heavily，“And what's more，I can prove it.”
The first man，who was now entrenched in his position，said again，“Ho！Can you？” — and sneered.
The second man then proved it，getting more and more excited. When he had done，all the first man did was to say，“You talk foolishness.”
Then there was a long silence：very strained. At last the Free Trader pulled out a pipe and filled it at leisure，with a light sort of womanish tobacco，and just as he struck a match the Protectionist shouted out，“No you don't！This ain't a smoking compartment. I object！” The Free Trader said，“Oh，that's how it is，is it？” The Protectionist answered in a lower voice and surly，“Yes，that's how.”
They sat avoiding each other's eyes till we got to Grantham. I had no idea that feeling could run so high，yet neither of them had a real grip on the Theory of International Exchange.
· · · · ·
But by far the most extraordinary conversation，and perhaps the most illuminating I ever heard，was in a train going to the West Country and stopping first at Swindon.
It passed between two men who sat in corners facing each other.
The one was stout，tall，and dressed in a tweed suit. He had a gold watch-chain with a little ornament on it representing a pair of compasses and a square. His beard was brown and soft. His eyes were very sodden. When he got in he first wrapped a rug round and round his legs，then he took off his top-hat and put on a cloth cap，then he sat down.
The other also wore a tweed suit and was also stout，but he was not so tall. His watch-chain also was of gold （but of a different pattern，paler，and with no ornament hung on it）. His eyes also were sodden. He had no rug. He also took off his hat，but put no cap upon his head. I noticed that he was rather bald，and in the middle of his baldness was a kind of little knob. For the purposes of this record，therefore，I shall give him the name “Bald”，while I shall call the other man “Cap”.
I have forgotten，by the way，to tell you that Bald had a very large nose，at the end of which a great number of little veins had congested and turned quite blue.
CAP （shuts up Levy's paper ，“The Daily Telegraph ”，and opens Harmsworth's “Daily Mail ”. Shuts that up and looks fixedly at BALD）：I ask your pardon ... but isn't your name Binder？
BALD （his eyes still quite sodden ）：That is my name. Binder's my name. （He coughs to show breeding .）Why （his eyes getting a trifle less sodden ），if you aren't Mr. Mowle！Well，Mr. Mowle，sir，how are you？
CAP （with some dignity ）：Very well，thank you，Mr. Binder. How's Mrs. Binder and the kids？All blooming？
BALD：Why，yes，thank you，Mr. Mowle，but Mrs. Binder still has those attacks （shaking his head ）. Abdominal （continuing to shake his head ）. Gastric. Something cruel.
CAP：They do suffer cruel，as you say，do women，Mr. Binder （shaking his head too — but more slightly ）. This indigestion — ah！
BALD （more brightly ）：Not married yet，Mr. Mowle？
CAP （contentedly and rather stolidly ）：No，Mr. Binder. Nor not inclined to neither. （Draws a great breath .）I'm a single man，Mr. Binder，and intend so to adhere. （A pause to think .）That's what I call （a further pause to get the right phrase ）“single blessedness”. Yes （another deep breath ），I find life worth living，Mr. Binder.
BALD （with great cunning ）：That depends upon the liver. （Roars with laughter .）
CAP （laughing a good deal too，but not so much as BALD）：Ar！That was young Cobbler's joke in times gone by.
BALD （politely ）：Ever see young Cobbler now，Mr. Mowle？
CAP （with importance ）：Why，yes，Mr. Binder；I met him at the Thersites' Lodge down Brixham way — only the other day. Wonderful brilliant he was ... well，there ... （his tone changes ）he was sitting next to me — （thoughtfully ）— as might be here — （putting Harmsworth's paper down to represent Young Cobbler ）— and here like，would be Lord Haltingtowres.
BALD （his manner suddenly becoming very serious ）：He's a fine man，he is！One of those men I respect.
CAP （with still greater seriousness ）：You may say that，Mr. Binder. No respecter of persons — talks to me or you or any of them just the same.
BALD （vaguely ）：Yes，they're a fine lot. （Suddenly ）：So's Charlie Beresford！
CAP （with more enthusiasm than be had yet shown ）：I say ditto to that，Mr. Binder！（Thinking for a few moments of the characteristics of Lord Charles Beresford .）It's pluck — that's what it is — regular British pluck. （Grimly ）：That's the kind of man — no favouritism.
BALD：Ar！It's a case of “Well done，Condor ！”
CAP：Ar！You're right there，Mr. Binder.
BALD （suddenly pulling a large flask out of his pocket and speaking very rapidly ）：Well，here's yours，Mr. Mowle. （He drinks out of it a quantity of neat whisky，and having drunk it，rubs the top of his flask with his sleeve and hands it over politely to CAP.）
CAP （having drunk a lot of neat whisky，also rubbed his sleeve over it，screwed on the little top and giving that long gasp which the occasion demands ）：Yes，you're right there — “Well done，Condor .”
At this point the train began to go slowly，and just as it stopped at the station I heard CAP begin again，asking BALD on what occasion and for what services Lord Charles Beresford had been given his title.
Full of the marvels of this conversation，I got out，went into the waiting-room and wrote it all down. I think I have it accurately word for word.
But there happened to me what always happens after all literary effort；the enthusiasm vanished，the common day was before me. I went out to do my work in the place and to meet quite ordinary people and to forget，perhaps （so strong is Time），the fantastic beings in the train. In a word，to quote Mr. Binyon's admirable lines：
The world whose wrong
Mocks holy beauty and our desire returned.
这是一篇极为成功的有趣作品，通篇的一个总的特点，在译者看来，主要是：通过对话写人的虚伪；因而文中人物所讲的话语几乎可说是无一字一词一句一段不虚假，不荒唐，不造作，不浮夸，不陈腐，不愚蠢，不是在说谎和在骗人……尤其那最后一节，更达到了荒谬绝伦的地步，而一切却又来得那么轻松自然和毫不费力，所以也就真是虚伪成性了，但又一丝也不自觉！英国幽默作家P. G. Wodehouse曾称誉此文作者Belloc为“a writer of great charm and enormous versatility”（姑勉强译作——一位风情无限、文路特广的作家）。读此文后，定会感到信然，另外此篇也是英国式的幽默的一个绝佳的范例。